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@AmorHilton Blogs on Leaving StickyHouse, @RyanAnchors, Addiction, @AnthonyVanityin Amor Hilton, SD |
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http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=280084515&blogId=502891352
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Ya’all don’t know what’s up.
Current mood:hi
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
The One Time I Make My Personal Life Public.
I’ve learned alot about life lately when I thought there was nothing else to learn.
To be truly honest, I don’t remember my life from September 08 to May 09.
“She sorted every person in this world into two categories: A person who is
useful before they’re morning coffee, and those who aren’t.”
I recently moved from Downtown Los Angeles “The Sticky House” back to
Encino (about 10 minutes North of Hollywood). I can never stay anywhere
consistantly. Something always goes wrong or my mental health just gets
too over whelmed to the point where I just snap and have to move to the next place.
I moved to four different places between January and April.
When I moved into the Sticky House in March/April, I felt ‘charmed’. Everything was going well.
I had so much cash in my purse at all times, I could buy as much herb, cigarettes,
or “whatever”, whenever I wanted. I was with fascinating people and I felt like nothing
could surpass the gift I got blessed with. A gorgeous loft with a building that resembled
an old school hotel from the early 1900’s. With 14 floors up and looking over the L.A Skyline,
I kept wondering what I did to deserve such a blessing. Everything in the house was civil for the most part.
Never would I have suspected that the people I was dining with in Time Square, New York
would soon be my roomates in this unbelievable house. I didn’t think things would ever change.
I’d walk into the front door and know all the securty guards, get away with alot of
stuff in the building, have the lounge to myself at 3 AM to write music-
and quite frankley I started reflecting on my career. I had FOX11
filming my photoshoot/day/interview over at our loft, and at that point, I just decided
this is where I would rise up…. hopefully.
Here’s your answer: I was living in a dream world. For every pill was like a dream
or vacation where something always came out right.
I’d pop a pill, do the shoot. Pop a pill, do the shoot.
Pop a pill, do an interview. Pop a pill, do laundry. Quite frankly, I was living like
a mother fuckin princess. I’d walk across the street and get a burrito
every few days that I’d eat, and just…. pop again. Honestly.
I became sober in mid-May, and that’s when everything hit rock bottom and everything
started to change- in my sober mind I could just see everyone for who they really were.
I realized I had no more money left in my account, I was 93 pounds and I was on
the verge of dying because no food would digest in my system without pills that I needed
to have but unfortunately I don’t have medical insurance… so I was slowly just feeling
my body give up on me, on the 11th floor at The Rowan Building in downtown.
Everyday just got rougher, and my New York “friends” eventually turned on me.
Filming the reality show at our loft made everybody hate each other-
Tension started forming in the house- Our “landlord” banned the only two
friends that had capabilities to come see me while I was in the process of
sobering up and having haywire emotions and suicidal tendencies.
Everyday became slower and slower- one day felt like ten. I also became
severely depressed which led me to cry alot- with no privacy, ha, they’d
zoom the camera up on me as I genuinely sobbed. At that point I didn’t
care anymore. The whole world saw Amor Hilton crumble into pieces.
My weight continued to drop and my health continued to fail with sleep
deprivation, withdrawals, stress, depression, and most of all the most
un suspected feeling- loneliness. My once Stickam/New York party pals
were no longer anything but enemies, which in Hollywood, is all you’ll find
yourself in sooner or later.
Nobody really, really cared enough about me in that house;
You can’t expect your producers / gossip site owners to be you’re real friend…
because to everybody in this internet world, I’m just pure entertainment-
which is technically right, but I am a real person too.
A real person who almost lost hope for living.
I remember looking down from the 11th floor with a cigarette in my hand,
100% sober, looking straight at the cars parked below me and thinking,
“I wonder if I jump, will I just fall?” as pathetic and emo as this is starting
to get, this was my reality. Waking up everyday wondering why your still alive?
Feeling your body slowly but surely shut down on you, knowing your heart
is starting to slow down, your energy starts running low, and so do the numbers
on the scales. I had thought about so many ways I could kill myself but then
a man named Ryan gave me reasons why I should live. At this point,
I’m sure he would take all those reasons back.
Ryan & I moved into the Sticky House together in order to keep our love
and relationship alive. The more sober I became, the more I realized
what kind of person he really was. ” Who was he? What was his last name?
What was his sisters name? His grandmas?” I had no fucking idea.
I didn’t even know specifically how old he was or his birthday-
I just sat there and went OHHHHH my god Amor. Your stupid drugs
made you believe you were in love- and I guess it just takes the first
couple weeks of being sober to realize the real things that are in front of you.
But still, I gave it a shot. He had nothing but good intentions on making me happy
and making my life better for me. I needed out of Sticky House – He needed
out of Arizona. And we were supposedly “in love”. My family all fell in love with
him immediately and said they thought he was going to be the one for me.
Like I said, the more sober I got, the more things I realized I shouldn’t of done
or said or caused. Like the destruction of an innocent guy’s life all for a pretty girl
who promised him the world that she couldn’t give him.
Things changed after we got our apartment together far away from Sticky House;
the more time we spent together, the more little (sober) things I’d over analyze
about him and make me distance myself more and more. It’s so sad to say you
fell out of love, because love is a very rare thing in this world. His personality
changed as mine did- and I won’t go into our personal details but things got ugly.
I will admit to breaking his heart- which breaks my heart to have to admit.
He moved his life from Arizona to Hollywood for a girl who has too many
issues and love problems, and is wayyy to complicated for him to keep up with.
I broke Jake’s heart- which I’ll never forgive myself for because he’s just like
Ryan in a positive sense: nothing but good intentions and loving. I know I’ll
see Jake Wolf on MTV someday and just know I let something awesome walk
out of my life. But when you are shredded by state lines, all you can do
is day dream. It was too perfect to be realistic.
I’ve relapsed a few times since, and with Ryan leaving my apartment
in two days (finally, you know how it is) has just made me set my
ambitions and goals higher then ever. I still can’t believe I got the front
cover of Lipstick Royalty Magazine… that’s so nuts. It’s sooo weird
seeing yourself in Magazines, they’re all over my coffee table that my
roomate keeps and haha it weirds me out some times, no lie!
A musician from Black Veil Brides,
Sir Chris Hollywood, said we’d be the perfect HollyHood couple on the scene
and I think I might of met my match. We spent two nights together and we
just clicked. We (most soberly) finished each others sentences- he played
all the songs that I like, and he thinks its cute when I fight. We went to
an event last weekend and there were so many camera flashes that we
were blinded for the rest of the night haha The Model & The Musician…
isn’t it so cliche? But so perfect at the same time? Some people
would say “wow you slut, moving on so quick”…..
My response to that, most honestly, is that life is so fucking short.
Do what makes YOU happy. Cause in the end that’s all that matters.
I believe in fate, and i believe you follow your heart and it leads you
to where you need to be. Everything happens for a reason.
Screw the tabloids/gossip sites/ what they have to say…
They don’t know me anyways 
65 Responded To This PostSubscribes to this post comment rss or trackback url
diautry is love said,
August 25th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
first amors a whore edens a fag who gives a hell about a faghag liek deanna ! 
Cmmooar said,
August 25th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Here we go again. Amor acting like she’s the star of a star of a fucking scene soap opera. If she wants to fix her life and be worth something, she should clean up and keep her legs closed. No one is impressed by her, grow the fuck up. She puts herself in these situations because she’s a crackwhore. I hope her heart does stop and dies. One less self obsorbed scene bitch we have to worry about.
matt proof said,
August 25th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
I think it stupid for you fucking assholes to ash her. You obv dont know how legit and nice of a person she really is.we have all done fucking stupid shit when we are fucked up. Every person including me has questioned living and dieing it a part of life and it how you handle things that reflects on you:)
Sticky said,
August 25th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Seriously, if you took Xanax out of the equation, none of Amor’s bullshit would have happened. Eden wouldn’t have PUKED ALL OVER THE BUILDING WHICH IS WHY HE GOT BANNED and Vicki wouldn’t have been A COMPLETE CUNT WHO NOBODY WANTED TO DEAL WITH. And Amor wouldn’t have been a hopeless pink bag of psychological problems who would FUCK GUYS IN MY ELEVATOR or SMEAR PINK FROSTING OVER CENTURY-OLD ITALIAN CARRERA MARBLE. Because she was so barred out, she couldn’t remember her own actions. So when I reacted to, or posted about, all her insanity, she had forgotten what she had done in the first place. In her mind, I was making up all these stories and getting upset for no reason. But her mind was a wasteland at the time—and if you keep up with her Twitter, you can see that still seems to be the case: To say we were “friends” is a bit much. Yes, I met her on several occasions prior to her moving in; yes, we got along well; yes, in the beginning I treated her to dinner and other friendly favors. However the bottom line is she wanted a place to stay and I wanted material to write about. It was more of a mutually beneficial arrangement than a friendship. For her to think I would only post about her upcoming projects was foolish, of course I’d write about all the embarrassing dirt. Haven’t I always?
secretinternetfatass said,
August 25th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
anonymous 9:10 thats okay I laughed too, till i realized he was really REALLY dead.
Anonymous said,
August 25th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
just another anonymous sob-story,
MCH KYL said,
August 25th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Anyone who legit fucks p their chances to live in THAT apartment in THAT location is completely and utterly retarded. They all deserve to be homeless, if they can’t appreciate what’s being given to them, it should all be taken away.
Autry said,
August 25th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
I used to hate when my mom set limits on what I could and could not do, growing up. Now, i’m happy because I would never end up like this.
John Hock said,
August 25th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
wow.. by reading this shit.. I just realize how fucking stupid this bitch is. LOL. Acting like shes been through so fucking much and shit. “THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD SAW AMOR HILTON CRUMBLE”. wow. thats fucking pathetic. Your a nobody. Why the fuck do you feel the need to do what you do? crave attention? the need for fame? I have no clue. Don’t act liek you fucking life is so hard… you popped pills before doing shit? hah. You have no idea how bad it can become. I’m glad you got sober ( which I really REALLY doubt)… but dont fucking cry about it. Your the same insecure little bitch that you’ve always been.
Cmmooar said,
August 25th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I like how people suk up to her on myspace and then talk shit about her on stickydrama
Anonymous said,
August 25th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
and what exactly has amor done that makes her an internet celebrity ? Oh….thats right NOTHING! This bitch hasn’t done a god damn fucking thing, shes a completely no talent less hack. Please kill yourself, you are a fucking nobody.
Shanekarnel said,
August 25th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Amor’s become a bitch. It’s sad, and I rarely say that regarding people…but in her case, it’s true. Who knows, maybe she’s just a nice person deep down and the drugs that have eaten her alive have turned her into the snow queen she is. It’s possible.
secretinternetfatass said,
August 25th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
cmmoar damian was my ex bf who overdosed & died while i was laughing.
Charming. said,
August 26th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Disclaimer: This blog was immediately followed by the scene retard constituency — consisting of well over 9000 members — commenting on how “amazing” Amor is, despite her confessions. “imma druged out whore “no no no ur an amazing girl” Die.
gagearthur said,
August 26th, 2009 at 1:20 am
You guys are so anal. If any of you even half way knew her you’d probably love her. Comming from someones thats actually spent time getting to know her, shes actually a genuine person
kc said,
August 26th, 2009 at 1:38 am
I totally admit to reading this in full a few days after she posted it…it’s like a shitty short story you read in those women’s magazines by the register at the grocery store. hey I know what we should do! maybe if we all stop talking about her, she’ll go away!
Anonymous said,
August 26th, 2009 at 1:40 am
ok if she doesn’t like losing weigh…if it affected her so much….why does she photoshop her pics to make herself look sickly skinny?
captainstevexxx said,
August 26th, 2009 at 1:52 am
i’ve never had anything against amor, if she struggles with drug problems, etc. that’s her problem, a personal problem
Anonymous said,
August 26th, 2009 at 4:26 am
HAHA! Jake was never hurt over her. To say she broke his heart is hilarious. He admitted several times to just using her for adds and for her fans or even haters to buy his music. And guess what? It worked. Jake is one of the smartest boys I know… to a point. Choosing to involve Amor in any part of his life was a tragic idea. Haha she “just let Jake walk out of her life” ROFL it’s ok… he would have walked away after she planned to fly there and he nailed her. Get real. He fucks different bitches ever week. And was while you guys had your “thing”. Stupid fucking bitch. It’s a shame people like Ian have to go. Why can’t it just be you!
Ryan Anchors said,
August 26th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Most of that is actually pretty out of order or completely embellished, but it’s still a pretty funny read through. All I have to say in response to Ray Lancione is: Gorggggggggggggggggggggggggg.
Anonymous said,
August 26th, 2009 at 6:28 am
She has more going for her than 98% of y’all do, everyone has issues don’t pretend you don’t. She’s a sweet person that makes bad decisions, like any other human fucking being. How would you like to be living through a low in your life and on top of that being bashed by fucking assholes and internet trolls that don’t even know you? You don’t know shit about her, you can’t even begin to try putting yourselves in her shoes. You don’t know what the fuck she’s been through, all base your shit on is snippets of information that gets posted on here and other malicious websites. You don’t know shit so shut the fuck up and go pretend you’re better than what you think you are. Self-righteous assholes.
Epic Fail said,
August 26th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Like I said before Sticky deleted my comment because he’s a censoring asshole. Anyone who comes into contact with StickyHouse or gets more involved with Chris than just online ends up dying .. either by suicide or by accident. Good luck to those who have been or will be more a part of StickyDrama than just on the internet, enjoy your life.
Nikki said,
August 26th, 2009 at 8:23 am
My friend linked this post to me because she knew I would find it humorous, which sadly, I do not. You know when things get so excruciatingly uncomfortable, you actually become INCAPABLE of laughter due to the fact you’re overridden with disgust and shame (for the victim in question, of course)? YEA, that’s what I feel right now. I don’t know who wrote this, but wowww that’s one poorly-worded, horrifically-sentenced, pathetically-attempted cry out for attention. Someone give this girl genuine love and dig her out of this truly pitiful excuse of a “life”. Let her travel, let her meet people of different cultures and races. Let her realise the importance of substance, worth and education. Then maybe we’ve got a chance at a productive and worthwhile member of society. I’m sure she might’ve turned out alright had she not been so concerned about formulating an image for herself.
CalebLacroix said,
August 26th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
I thought it was completely heartfelt, If you’re going to pour out your heart like this then why the fuck would you use your stage name? Lame. And her thinking Chris was just going to turn the other way is stupid. He has a job, just because you live with him doesn’t mean he isn’t going to write about the BS that you pull. That apartment is leased in his name
Anonymous said,
August 26th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
what a druggie whore, she’ll be back to sucking cock for meth money on the streets
MCH KYL said,
August 26th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Some of you people need to step a few years back to, I don’t know, the third grade, and take some grammar lessons. You try to sound bold and serious about something or someone you think you know, and just come off looking like a total douche. And yes, she is a total waste. She and all of her little friends, especially Eden and John, are shameful and worthless. Kick the habit(s) and grow up. Get some respect and a job.
Aaron Reading said,
August 26th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Gage Arthur would know her better than most. I’ll have to admit that. I would love to see her sober, and acting normal. She used to be fun to talk to. Oh well. Anyone who goes to the Sticky House is destined to end up like this, or most of them. I feel bad for the loss of a human soul. Oh. And to be on the “drama” side of this all, I think Black Veil Brides, well they suck ass.
Brookie said,
August 26th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Hey! Ryan, Rae calls meeee GORG… cause that’s what my right hand says hah
chelllzz said,
August 27th, 2009 at 1:25 am
ohhh sticky. hahaha i totally agree. xanax is retardeddd
Anonymous said,
August 27th, 2009 at 1:48 am
everyone hates her because shes only nice to you if she thinks she can get something out of you or she finds you uglier than her you’re not a threat to all the attention shes dying for.
Anonymous said,
August 27th, 2009 at 11:27 am
This is the reason why I don’t read this website that often anymore. The ’scene’ of stickam has degraded into something all party scenes degrade into. Something awful, tasteless than it ever has been before, and not worth reading anymore. If I wanted to watch train wrecks i’d watch intervention. Sure, the drama that results can be humorous, but it’s just not fun to watch someone waste their life on drugs.
345678 said,
August 27th, 2009 at 8:09 pm
personally i think amors really messed up dispite how much we love/hate her for whatever reasons i think its good shes got all this bullshit off her chest hopefully it will help her move on and up and do something good with her life besides bullshit drugs
Anonymous said,
August 27th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I think it’s awesome and brave that Amor wrote this. <3
TayQuito said,
August 28th, 2009 at 1:55 am
xanax claims yet another victim. all tho chances were already slim to begin with. “Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.” maybe she should have a little more of that in her life *wink *wink
Anonymous said,
August 28th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
I’d me more impressed if this girl said: “I’m going to college and live in reality.”
Anonymous said,
August 29th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
“if i jump, will i fall?” what the fuck do you think? THERE IS NO SUCH PHRASE AS “SHOULD OF”. what you mean is “should’ve”. sooo fucking stupid. lmao@ at “all the flashing lights” from “cameras”. stfu>fo
Anonymous said,
August 29th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Lmfao anon above me. She meant the flashing light of her digital camera after putting it on a timer.
Anonymous said,
August 30th, 2009 at 2:32 am
I love how she still tries to pretend she’s a model. Oh, Amor…Amor…Amor… -___-
Anonymous said,
August 30th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
I remember when she blogged about girls’ being jealous of ‘all the red carpet events’ she gets to attend. AHEM. What a PHONY! I love how she talks about ‘doing interviews’ like that’s a part of her everyday life.
Anonymous said,
August 30th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
gage- we only know what she shows us… and that is anything BUT “genuine”. i know enough to know there’s no way i’d like the girl. what not having parents has done to her is clear. no parental affection=obsession with acquiring fame
Anonymous said,
August 30th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
remember when she was on Sex with Mom&Dad? wait, does she even know who her dad is? anyway, according to her myspace she “thinks the episode is out now”. so it probably is. but we can’t expect her to know, it’s not like she has time to keep up with how oftern she appears on or is discussed on television, because she’s sooooooooOOOOooOOOOOo busy with PROJECTS!! projects projects projects. just work, work, work. don’t worry, amor. i know it’s hard working non-stop, but it does pay off. you wouldn’t be such a huge celebrity with endless amounts of cash with which to wipe your ass if you hadn’t worked so hard.
Anonymous said,
August 31st, 2009 at 1:45 pm
“the tabloids”?? sorry to break it to you, amor, you havent left your dream world
Anonymous said,
September 1st, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I personally think she needs to give up on the whole ‘efame’ idea.
blababla said,
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:02 pm
“How would you like to be living through a low in your life and on top of that being bashed by fucking assholes and internet trolls that don’t even know you?” Amor could easily remove herself from that situation, by removing herself AND her personal life from the internet.
oh hi said,
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:55 pm
nicole can’t shoplift dignity or self-respect. therefore, she’ll never have it.
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September 24th, 2009 at 5:28 am
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Anyways, i agree with mch kyl.
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